Two pregnancies…one birth. A question I hate. It’s a standard question on any medical form when you go to a new Doctor…but it still stings a little each time I answer it. It’s like you have this wound that you keep bandaged and wrapped up so tightly…and it’s stuffed away and you don’t realize it’s there very often…but then a question like that rips off the band aid and exposes the wound for what it is. It’s painful, it’s messy and it hits you right at your core. The instant I read that line my heart drops, my stomach bundles up in knots and the pain is right back to where it was almost three years ago when we lost our first baby.
For some, this question looks much worse. Five pregnancies…two births. Three pregnancies…zero births. Or perhaps the most difficult…two pregnancies…two births…but only one living child. I know that so many of us find ourselves in that waiting room filling out paperwork and before we know it we are taken back to that place. That dark, vulnerable place of heartache.
Prior to getting pregnant, when children weren’t even on my radar, I would just breeze by that question. Zero pregnancies…zero births. I assumed that the answers to both would always be the same number. The thought of them being different did not even cross my mind.
I remember being so innocent and unguarded about pregnancy. We got our first positive and I was elated! I was only 23 and very healthy. I figured nothing would go wrong…in fact I didn’t even think that thought because I wasn’t concerned about anything. Of course I would have a healthy pregnancy, a happy baby, and everything would be perfect! I was so naive to the point that I thought I needed to go to the doctor right away! I made an appointment for that afternoon and we went in to confirm the pregnancy. They did a urine sample and sure enough, I was pregnant! I remember talking to the nurse and she was so excited for us! She was an older lady and had a very joyful and gentle spirit. She told us that she tried getting pregnant for twelve years and didn’t have any luck. Twelve years! Even when she said it, she was lighthearted and cheerful. I felt so blessed and lucky.
You guys know how this story ends. Fast forward a few weeks and it ends in heartbreak. Now, as we prepare to start trying for another baby…all of these painful thoughts creep into my head. What if we lose another baby? What if something goes wrong? What if we can’t get pregnant? I feel so thankful that we have Grey because when I look at him I feel hopeful. I know that there are journeys that are far more agonizing than ours…and I just want all of you to know that you are not alone.
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. I wasn’t going to write anything or bring it up because that puts me in a difficult and vulnerable situation. But I remember coming across a blog post about a miscarriage shortly after we had ours…and the writer told me I wasn’t alone. I needed to hear it that day…and I’m hoping to help one of you feel a little less lonely today.